My thoughts were pretty much scrambled yesterday, and I had no idea if I made any sense during my last entry.
So far, its still the same today. I seriously hope I make more sense though. Right after I wrote something here, I fell asleep immediately and as I woke up 5 hours later, the only thought in my head that kept on circulating is suicide. How can I kill myself without inflicting too much pain? I know its not right and its a scary thought but I couldn't keep myself from thinking about it. It seems that the challenge of being alive is slowly losing its grip on me. The whole day was just too much for me so I decided to sleep most of it away and see how its going to change.
I slept from morning until the afternoon yet my body still feels so heavy. As the days get closer and closer for me to start my new job, the dreamer inside of me continues to ask if I have made the right decision. The bully inside me keeps on telling me "Ill never amount to anything more than just a BPO employee". That's not exactly a bad thing since a lot of people in the BPO industry flourish. I know that I can be one of those successful people in that industry, for crying out loud its a walk in the park for me since I have been in this business for almost 8 years. Although I cant help but wonder... Is it worth it?
These past 2 years have been a continuous struggle between Practicality/Reality vs. Dreams/Possibilities. Short term vs Long term goals. Somehow, I can't seem to grasp the reality that I'm gonna have to start working just so I can start saving again and have money because I am as broke as a Hobo living under a dusty bridge. My indecisiveness is shown even on my posts on Facebook. I keep telling myself to just be positive and create a back-up plan, however that back-up plan doesn't apply to what would make me happy which is why I have been having this dilemma.
There are times I think about what If I was just dead? Besides my family and friends, who else would care? Would someone even say "That guy has a lot of potential, too bad he went too soon."? Would someone say, "Too bad, he could've been a great ______"? or even "He shouldn't have gone, the world needs people like him."? With these thoughts replaying in my head, I keep on wishing that I could at least have a dream as to who or what my friends and family would become if I were dead.
If life's problems were as simple as waiting for a train to take you to your destination then poverty will never exist and people would never know the meaning of hard work. Although sometimes, it doesn't hurt to wish for these things to happen.
Just to make things a little clearer here are just some of the thoughts that have been plaguing my head these past few months (Besides the morbid ones)
1. I'm fat and ugly and living a very unhealthy lifestyle. (The button from my shorts just popped as I was walking)
2. I'm about to reach the end of my 20's and I am still not successful.
3. Should I stay in Cebu or should I move out again since I seem to be losing more and more of myself here.
4. My family doesn't seem to understand my condition despite constant reminders and education.
5. Corporate slave vs. Kitchen Career
There'r times that I wish I could just turn back time to undo the stupid mistakes that I did. Instead of just living in regret, I wish it was easier for me to just accept the things I did and just work my way through things and try to find a better way. The constant voice that is in my head has been pretty loud lately telling me over and over and over again that I could never really achieve anything I truly love. Perhaps, Perhaps not.
Earlier today, I was just pretty angry at everything I see and hear. I was isolating myself from too much negativity (in this case its my grandmother) I had to muster all the strength I had just to prevent myself from lashing out at her. Living in a house that is filled with negativity makes it even harder for me to get myself out of the rut I am experiencing.
In conclusion one word to sum this all up is Confusion. If you're a jack of trades who can succeed at anything, why is it so hard to choose which single path you should take? At the end of the day for a person like me, Passion is always a number one priority, but sometimes that passion may lead into years and years of waiting which might be too late if you have other factors to think about. Sometimes you cant help but think that there are people who are not even interested about the things that you are passionate for yet they are the ones that succeed in that field. Yes, its unfair but somehow we can only assume without even knowing what that person has been through as well. There are times that its true.
So far, my mind is still in a very contradictory state and I can't seem to decide which idea sounds better. We all want a better life, but is it worth it to stick to something comfortable and end up hating it every single day or is it more worth it to suffer to get to the things that makes you happy.
They say happiness is a choice; but is it really? Can we forge our own path to make ourselves happy or do we succumb to the priorities that we as a normal class citizen have to face and sacrifice our own happiness in the process? We'll just have to stick around and find out to see if there is another way. Given we have enough time that is.
So far, its still the same today. I seriously hope I make more sense though. Right after I wrote something here, I fell asleep immediately and as I woke up 5 hours later, the only thought in my head that kept on circulating is suicide. How can I kill myself without inflicting too much pain? I know its not right and its a scary thought but I couldn't keep myself from thinking about it. It seems that the challenge of being alive is slowly losing its grip on me. The whole day was just too much for me so I decided to sleep most of it away and see how its going to change. I slept from morning until the afternoon yet my body still feels so heavy. As the days get closer and closer for me to start my new job, the dreamer inside of me continues to ask if I have made the right decision. The bully inside me keeps on telling me "Ill never amount to anything more than just a BPO employee". That's not exactly a bad thing since a lot of people in the BPO industry flourish. I know that I can be one of those successful people in that industry, for crying out loud its a walk in the park for me since I have been in this business for almost 8 years. Although I cant help but wonder... Is it worth it?
These past 2 years have been a continuous struggle between Practicality/Reality vs. Dreams/Possibilities. Short term vs Long term goals. Somehow, I can't seem to grasp the reality that I'm gonna have to start working just so I can start saving again and have money because I am as broke as a Hobo living under a dusty bridge. My indecisiveness is shown even on my posts on Facebook. I keep telling myself to just be positive and create a back-up plan, however that back-up plan doesn't apply to what would make me happy which is why I have been having this dilemma.
There are times I think about what If I was just dead? Besides my family and friends, who else would care? Would someone even say "That guy has a lot of potential, too bad he went too soon."? Would someone say, "Too bad, he could've been a great ______"? or even "He shouldn't have gone, the world needs people like him."? With these thoughts replaying in my head, I keep on wishing that I could at least have a dream as to who or what my friends and family would become if I were dead. If life's problems were as simple as waiting for a train to take you to your destination then poverty will never exist and people would never know the meaning of hard work. Although sometimes, it doesn't hurt to wish for these things to happen.
Just to make things a little clearer here are just some of the thoughts that have been plaguing my head these past few months (Besides the morbid ones)
1. I'm fat and ugly and living a very unhealthy lifestyle. (The button from my shorts just popped as I was walking)
2. I'm about to reach the end of my 20's and I am still not successful.
3. Should I stay in Cebu or should I move out again since I seem to be losing more and more of myself here.
4. My family doesn't seem to understand my condition despite constant reminders and education.
5. Corporate slave vs. Kitchen Career
There'r times that I wish I could just turn back time to undo the stupid mistakes that I did. Instead of just living in regret, I wish it was easier for me to just accept the things I did and just work my way through things and try to find a better way. The constant voice that is in my head has been pretty loud lately telling me over and over and over again that I could never really achieve anything I truly love. Perhaps, Perhaps not.
Earlier today, I was just pretty angry at everything I see and hear. I was isolating myself from too much negativity (in this case its my grandmother) I had to muster all the strength I had just to prevent myself from lashing out at her. Living in a house that is filled with negativity makes it even harder for me to get myself out of the rut I am experiencing.
In conclusion one word to sum this all up is Confusion. If you're a jack of trades who can succeed at anything, why is it so hard to choose which single path you should take? At the end of the day for a person like me, Passion is always a number one priority, but sometimes that passion may lead into years and years of waiting which might be too late if you have other factors to think about. Sometimes you cant help but think that there are people who are not even interested about the things that you are passionate for yet they are the ones that succeed in that field. Yes, its unfair but somehow we can only assume without even knowing what that person has been through as well. There are times that its true.
So far, my mind is still in a very contradictory state and I can't seem to decide which idea sounds better. We all want a better life, but is it worth it to stick to something comfortable and end up hating it every single day or is it more worth it to suffer to get to the things that makes you happy.
They say happiness is a choice; but is it really? Can we forge our own path to make ourselves happy or do we succumb to the priorities that we as a normal class citizen have to face and sacrifice our own happiness in the process? We'll just have to stick around and find out to see if there is another way. Given we have enough time that is.
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