This is going to be the first time I will blog about something else other than poems.
Although I know that nobody really reads this blog beside myself, but it seems that this is the only place that I could express my thoughts without anyone judging me.
Its a little over midnight and I just arrived from the usual trivia game night I attend every week. There has been too much on my head these past few months ever since I got back from Myanmar. I've been on such a high before I went there and I kind of expected that when I get back I would be going on a downward spiral from that.
I have been in the BPO industry since I dropped out of school since I was 19 and when I finally realized what I wanted to be I made some plans of pursuing that with a bit of a 2 year delay because of a certain distraction. So when I decided for finally pursue culinary school, I thought that my life would change drastically and immediately. I've always had this mentality that whatever I set my eyes on I would get it, unfortunately not in this case.
Before I continue with that story, I would like to sidetrack to the time when i found out that I had Bipolar disorder. Before, I never really understood why I had these weird mood swings and why I get negative almost every time, and there are times that my personality switches from being lethargically suicidal to being terminally delightful. Since a lot of people don't really understand what it's like to be neurologically challenged they just immediately say "Everything is going to be okay". Sometimes it gets better but the depression and the constant over thinking would still come back. I could go on and on talking about this but I'm afraid it'll take me all night to write about it.
Anyway, going back to my current dilemma. I just got myself a job at another BPO company which puts be back to where I started. I couldn't seem to find a job as a chef. I feel like I'm regressing. I feel like I may have placed myself at a pedestal which I believe to have been taken down not just by finances but also lack of resources. I know that these things should never get us down, because there have been a lot of people who didn't have anything but still they managed to get something out of it and became a someone. I don't want to be stuck at a job that I have zero love for. I have to make ends meet.
I know my situation is not the worst that anyone could be in, and I could easily find a job. But what's the point of living if you only learn how to exist and not really live. I've been feeling sorry for myself these past months because no hotel or restaurant bothers to call someone who doesn't have any experience in a kitchen. Which is unfair. This is what I hate about the Philippines. Filipinos are biased by nature and majority of the population are afraid to do things that are out of the norm and basically try new things. - I may be just be having this generalization at the moment because I know how these things also happen in other places.
You see how conflicted my mind is? I keep on juggling from one thought to another and sometimes taking back the things I said without even knowing it. I'm making an Oxymoron out of myself. At the moment, I'm currently at a crossroads in my life. I seriously don't know what to do next. I know that for now I have to sacrifice my dreams to be practical, I seriously think that this is a mistake but I have to do it. I can't just stay around at home this whole time and do nothing or I'll go crazier.
I'll make sure to write more about how I'm doing and what my progress is.
Till next time.
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