Conclusions.

If anyone of you have played the video game Silent Hill, every small decision you make in this game will lead you to a different ending. This is how life in general works. 

What do you do if one day you force yourself to do things you're particularly not fond of? Yet, you do it because it's needed at the moment. Do you consider it as a challenge or would you reject it? 

I was a roller coaster of emotions today. I woke up anticipating something great would happen and as the hours pass by that anticipation turned into grief, anguish and ultimately anger. I was enraged with every little thing I see and hear to the point that I wanted to smash and throw everything I get my hands on. I really wanted to scream my lungs out however, I couldn't since I don't want people to freak out. I have been feeling very angry these past 3 days. My thoughts are yet again jumbled and there's that one constant voice that kept on telling that I am making a huge mistake. 

As I was in the bathroom taking a shower, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with sadness, disbelief, despair. desperation, and hatred that I started to break down. As the tears started to fall down my face, I was trying my best to hold them back. I was grabbing my hair with both hands trying to release a little bit of that anger. I really wanted to punch the wall and it took every single ounce of sanity I had to stop myself. 

People always say "dream big" - Dreaming is very easy to do, however making that dream into a reality is the hard part. Ever since I was 10 I always dreamed that I'll be better than anyone in my family. In one aspect, I seem to be smarter than all of my cousins, yet I'm the one who commits a numerous number of mistakes. It comes with the fact that I have always had a creative mind and I don't just settle with one project/goal in mind but a lot. This is one way for me to prove to myself, that despite of growing up without a dad I can be better than anyone else who were raised with both parents. 

My friends tell me that I should be practical at the back of my head I know I should be, but my heart only screams for one thing. I know one of them in particular is frustrated with me because of the way I see things. I don't expect all of them to understand. If you are passionate about something, you try your very best to do that so you won't have to worry about working your whole life. I can choose to live a comfortable life and work for a company that pays well but somehow I refuse that. If we all give in to peer pressures, Our minds can achieve anything we want to achieve unfortunately, we have to work with our minds, not with our hearts. Yes, when you let your heart decide everything that you do in life it would seem that we could never be logical enough to think about what other factors may affect that decision. However, that decision may lead to a very unhappy life. Then this brings me down to this question; "Would you rather come home from work stressed out? Or would you rather come home from work stressed out and happy?"

I have written quite a number of entries on this blog just this week because I feel like somehow I am slowly starting to lose my mind. My friends keep telling me that I think too much. Way too much for my own good. But I've always been an over-thinker since I was younger. Hiding my true feelings about things only makes it worse. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to go to therapy, so I figured since I can't talk to anyone about it without getting a violent reaction (Besides a therapist) I'd rather write about it to keep my emotions and my mind in check. 

I will continue to strive for the things that will truly make me happy, and that is going to mean that I'll be hitting a lot of bumpy roads along the way. There is no perfect decision, everything has its flaws. But I am hoping that for the moment I am making the right one (or at least something that shuts my brain out for a few days at a time.) I know I sound like broken record now, repeating every single thing I say ever since I started writing about it but apparently it does make me feel better since I don't know how I can express myself any other way. 

One day, I will look back at this and tell myself "You've come a long way" but for now, I hope that things will become better.